Where's the respect in monogamy?

I've been thinking about cheating. The phenomenon, that is. The word cheating implies monogamy, it states that there are rules that can be broken. I've been trying hard to understand why people agree to those rules.

One of my favorite series is Big Love, which can be seen online, where Bill lives in three adjacent houses with his wifes. In one of the episodes, two of the wifes discuss a couple they know, who are only married to each other.
"Just, poor Joey and Wanda. They're all they've got. No other spouses to lean on. How are they gonna make it through this chrisis, with only each other?"

I am currently in a long distance relationship. When I have a chrisis, I have no other partner to find solace with, and neither does he. This is a unusual situation to me.

I don't understand why people let someone else dictate their love- or sexlife. I've been trying to understand that for years, but found no good answer. To me it would be absurd if someone far away was to decide that I cannot do certain things.

In Sweden there was a campaign a couple or years ago. It targeted young people, and their slogan was something along the lines of "you're the one who gets to decide about your body". (The point of the campaign being to stop the pressure about having sex.)
I don't think that they had thought about monogamy or poly in that case, but it's a good slogan. I have enough respect for my body to be the one who decides about it. Also, I have too much respect for my partner, to say that he's not allowed to act on affection for someone else.

Some people misunderstand polygamy. Someone asked me "so you want to be free to sleep around?", but that's not the issue. To sleep around is something else. It may be sex addiction, it may be seeking attention, but sleeping around is not poly.

There is a way to cheat in a poly relationship, too. If your partner says "don't sleep with that specific person", and you do it anyway, you have cheated.

I believe some people are created monogamous, while others are not. Some people just can't even consider being with someone else, and never falls in love with more than one person at the time. Others have the ability to love, or feel attracted to, several people.

Imagine a man, who has been married "forever", who for some years have had a mistress. If he loves his wife and his mistress just the same, why would he break up with either one?
There are too many cases where people found out the above-mentioned scenario, and forced the man to choose. That's just sad. How can you choose between two people you love? How do you make that "Sophie's choice" of lovers?

Where's the respect in monogamy? What gives a person the right to decide "you are mine, you will from now on only love me, only sleep with me, and all else would make you a horrible person"? If someone were to utter those precise words to you, in a serious tone, would you stick by that person? It sounds pretty intimidating, doesn't it? Yet, in essence, it is what monogamy is.

I believe that monogamy was invented a couple of thousand years ago, when people stopped roaming around in tribes, and started to settle and farm. I imagine the decition of "one man - one woman" being made to simplify inheriting the settlement. If every man has only one woman, and every woman has only one man, all children are the result of them both.
Now a days, we have pretty fool-proof contraceptives. So, why do people still feel the need of the mono-rule?

To some people, it's only cheating of you do it with someone of the same sex as themselves. Five years ago, I lived poly. An arrangement agreed to by all involved. Before getting involved in that second relationship, I had discussed the matter with both partners, to make sure there would be no misunderstandings.

It is fantastic to be in love when it is mutual. If my partner were to find love with someone else, I'd be happy for him. Where's the respect in denying him that?

Postat av: Lena Svensson

I agree with you except on one thing and that is that I think you can have rules in a relationship and be respectful. Someone that is poly and someone that is not can have a relationship together, they just have more to talk about.

2010-03-24 @ 20:40:46
Postat av: /Mylla

First I have to say that I love your blogg, found it through Eva, and wow! you share a lot of your mindset with me, and alomost everything you write I agree with, which is very uncommon in my world...

Cheating and what is and is not cheating is something I often think about... I just cant buy the black and white vision some people have! I am a woman, and I can have sex without it meaning having other feelings than attraction with the person I have sex with. Why should that then be considered cheating? My boyfriend lived far from me and I needed sex, thus I had sex. How can that be worse than constanly thinking about someonelse than your partner?

Im married and live in a "normal" relationship, but have always had an affinity towards the poly way of life, unfortunately I seem to fall for men whos not..

And yes, I agree with you, some people are monogamous and some are not!

2010-04-04 @ 18:36:56

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