Where's the respect in monogamy?
I've been thinking about cheating. The phenomenon, that is. The word cheating implies monogamy, it states that there are rules that can be broken. I've been trying hard to understand why people agree to those rules.
One of my favorite series is Big Love, which can be seen online, where Bill lives in three adjacent houses with his wifes. In one of the episodes, two of the wifes discuss a couple they know, who are only married to each other.
"Just, poor Joey and Wanda. They're all they've got. No other spouses to lean on. How are they gonna make it through this chrisis, with only each other?"
I am currently in a long distance relationship. When I have a chrisis, I have no other partner to find solace with, and neither does he. This is a unusual situation to me.
I don't understand why people let someone else dictate their love- or sexlife. I've been trying to understand that for years, but found no good answer. To me it would be absurd if someone far away was to decide that I cannot do certain things.
In Sweden there was a campaign a couple or years ago. It targeted young people, and their slogan was something along the lines of "you're the one who gets to decide about your body". (The point of the campaign being to stop the pressure about having sex.)
I don't think that they had thought about monogamy or poly in that case, but it's a good slogan. I have enough respect for my body to be the one who decides about it. Also, I have too much respect for my partner, to say that he's not allowed to act on affection for someone else.
Some people misunderstand polygamy. Someone asked me "so you want to be free to sleep around?", but that's not the issue. To sleep around is something else. It may be sex addiction, it may be seeking attention, but sleeping around is not poly.
There is a way to cheat in a poly relationship, too. If your partner says "don't sleep with that specific person", and you do it anyway, you have cheated.
I believe some people are created monogamous, while others are not. Some people just can't even consider being with someone else, and never falls in love with more than one person at the time. Others have the ability to love, or feel attracted to, several people.
Imagine a man, who has been married "forever", who for some years have had a mistress. If he loves his wife and his mistress just the same, why would he break up with either one?
There are too many cases where people found out the above-mentioned scenario, and forced the man to choose. That's just sad. How can you choose between two people you love? How do you make that "Sophie's choice" of lovers?
Where's the respect in monogamy? What gives a person the right to decide "you are mine, you will from now on only love me, only sleep with me, and all else would make you a horrible person"? If someone were to utter those precise words to you, in a serious tone, would you stick by that person? It sounds pretty intimidating, doesn't it? Yet, in essence, it is what monogamy is.
I believe that monogamy was invented a couple of thousand years ago, when people stopped roaming around in tribes, and started to settle and farm. I imagine the decition of "one man - one woman" being made to simplify inheriting the settlement. If every man has only one woman, and every woman has only one man, all children are the result of them both.
Now a days, we have pretty fool-proof contraceptives. So, why do people still feel the need of the mono-rule?
To some people, it's only cheating of you do it with someone of the same sex as themselves. Five years ago, I lived poly. An arrangement agreed to by all involved. Before getting involved in that second relationship, I had discussed the matter with both partners, to make sure there would be no misunderstandings.
It is fantastic to be in love when it is mutual. If my partner were to find love with someone else, I'd be happy for him. Where's the respect in denying him that?
One of my favorite series is Big Love, which can be seen online, where Bill lives in three adjacent houses with his wifes. In one of the episodes, two of the wifes discuss a couple they know, who are only married to each other.
"Just, poor Joey and Wanda. They're all they've got. No other spouses to lean on. How are they gonna make it through this chrisis, with only each other?"
I am currently in a long distance relationship. When I have a chrisis, I have no other partner to find solace with, and neither does he. This is a unusual situation to me.
I don't understand why people let someone else dictate their love- or sexlife. I've been trying to understand that for years, but found no good answer. To me it would be absurd if someone far away was to decide that I cannot do certain things.
In Sweden there was a campaign a couple or years ago. It targeted young people, and their slogan was something along the lines of "you're the one who gets to decide about your body". (The point of the campaign being to stop the pressure about having sex.)
I don't think that they had thought about monogamy or poly in that case, but it's a good slogan. I have enough respect for my body to be the one who decides about it. Also, I have too much respect for my partner, to say that he's not allowed to act on affection for someone else.
Some people misunderstand polygamy. Someone asked me "so you want to be free to sleep around?", but that's not the issue. To sleep around is something else. It may be sex addiction, it may be seeking attention, but sleeping around is not poly.
There is a way to cheat in a poly relationship, too. If your partner says "don't sleep with that specific person", and you do it anyway, you have cheated.
I believe some people are created monogamous, while others are not. Some people just can't even consider being with someone else, and never falls in love with more than one person at the time. Others have the ability to love, or feel attracted to, several people.
Imagine a man, who has been married "forever", who for some years have had a mistress. If he loves his wife and his mistress just the same, why would he break up with either one?
There are too many cases where people found out the above-mentioned scenario, and forced the man to choose. That's just sad. How can you choose between two people you love? How do you make that "Sophie's choice" of lovers?
Where's the respect in monogamy? What gives a person the right to decide "you are mine, you will from now on only love me, only sleep with me, and all else would make you a horrible person"? If someone were to utter those precise words to you, in a serious tone, would you stick by that person? It sounds pretty intimidating, doesn't it? Yet, in essence, it is what monogamy is.
I believe that monogamy was invented a couple of thousand years ago, when people stopped roaming around in tribes, and started to settle and farm. I imagine the decition of "one man - one woman" being made to simplify inheriting the settlement. If every man has only one woman, and every woman has only one man, all children are the result of them both.
Now a days, we have pretty fool-proof contraceptives. So, why do people still feel the need of the mono-rule?
To some people, it's only cheating of you do it with someone of the same sex as themselves. Five years ago, I lived poly. An arrangement agreed to by all involved. Before getting involved in that second relationship, I had discussed the matter with both partners, to make sure there would be no misunderstandings.
It is fantastic to be in love when it is mutual. If my partner were to find love with someone else, I'd be happy for him. Where's the respect in denying him that?
The prom "controversy".
Writing this, I have just seen this on CNN. A lesbian girl is not allowed to take her girlfriend to prom.
I normally try not to care so much, I've given up the thought of changing the world. But this... Well, it felt kind of close to home.
In Sweden, we have "avslutningsbal", which is like a prom. Five years ago, my girlfriend chose not to go to avslutningsbalen. If she had chosen to, I would've been happy to be her date for it. Some schools here have not allowed same-sex couples to go, but I believe that the town we lived in was civilized enough to let us.
I used to be a part of the LGBT-community. I used to be chairman of the board in a district of RFSL Ungdom, Swedens' biggest organization for LGBT-youth. I left all of that for several reasons, which I will not disclose here. But now, I almost miss that. I miss the "we can change unfairness, we can change ignorance"-feeling.
It is the year 2010. Whenever I tell an anecdote about something from when I was with above-mentioned girlfriend, some people stilll give me queer looks, if you don't mind the pun. That is strange. The love I felt for that girl was no different than what I've felt for boyfriends I've had. The only difference was that we didn't have to worry about one of us getting pregnant.
What is it, really, about homosexuality, that scares some people?
Sexual orientation is not contagious. If it were, the vast majority of heterosexuals would make homosexuality impossible.
Straight parents sometimes get gay children. So gay people having children, would not necessarily make the children gay.
Gay is not a "choice of lifestyle". What would drive a person into choosing a life where they run the risk of being hated?
The Mississippi school said that it would've been distracting if Constance and her girl were allowed to go. Again, this is the year 2010, who is distracted by that? And I can think of so many more distracting things that can go on at a prom. Yeah, I've seen movies. Some people grope their date - distraction, some people dance horribly - distraction, someone gets drunk - distraction, people get into fights - distraction. What is distracting if two girls dance together, or hold hands? And, distracting from what? The groping, fights, drunkenness, and bad dancing, that straight students are rather to do?
I normally try not to care so much, I've given up the thought of changing the world. But this... Well, it felt kind of close to home.
In Sweden, we have "avslutningsbal", which is like a prom. Five years ago, my girlfriend chose not to go to avslutningsbalen. If she had chosen to, I would've been happy to be her date for it. Some schools here have not allowed same-sex couples to go, but I believe that the town we lived in was civilized enough to let us.
I used to be a part of the LGBT-community. I used to be chairman of the board in a district of RFSL Ungdom, Swedens' biggest organization for LGBT-youth. I left all of that for several reasons, which I will not disclose here. But now, I almost miss that. I miss the "we can change unfairness, we can change ignorance"-feeling.
It is the year 2010. Whenever I tell an anecdote about something from when I was with above-mentioned girlfriend, some people stilll give me queer looks, if you don't mind the pun. That is strange. The love I felt for that girl was no different than what I've felt for boyfriends I've had. The only difference was that we didn't have to worry about one of us getting pregnant.
What is it, really, about homosexuality, that scares some people?
Sexual orientation is not contagious. If it were, the vast majority of heterosexuals would make homosexuality impossible.
Straight parents sometimes get gay children. So gay people having children, would not necessarily make the children gay.
Gay is not a "choice of lifestyle". What would drive a person into choosing a life where they run the risk of being hated?
The Mississippi school said that it would've been distracting if Constance and her girl were allowed to go. Again, this is the year 2010, who is distracted by that? And I can think of so many more distracting things that can go on at a prom. Yeah, I've seen movies. Some people grope their date - distraction, some people dance horribly - distraction, someone gets drunk - distraction, people get into fights - distraction. What is distracting if two girls dance together, or hold hands? And, distracting from what? The groping, fights, drunkenness, and bad dancing, that straight students are rather to do?
How many roads must a man walk down?
In a conversation, a friend asked me to define manliness. I thought about it, but I cannot. What ever personality trait you can think of, I bet you have at least one manly friend who lacks it.
What makes a man?
Some would say genitals, but that falls on the fact that some men have micropenises (WARNING, graphic pictures!) and some women have enlarged clitorises (ALSO graphic!), and where do you draw the line between?
Facial hair? Some men don't have it, while some women do.
Chromosomes? No, turns out, it's not that easy either. The statement that men have XY and women XX is no longer true. There are all sorts of varieties.
I don't fit the gender binary. It has happened to me that strangers ask me if I'm a man or a woman. I usually just smile and say I'm a little bit of both. I am, in my own humble opinion, the perfect partner for a straight man. I am a guy to hang out with, drink with, discuss "manly" topics with, but I'm also physically female which is good in some, private, contexts.
I don't like it when others point out to me that I am both, as they're trying to convince me that I'm female too. That makes me less prone to show any "female" personality trait. People that let me be a shapeshifter, often get to see the whole range of gender expressions from me.
I call myself a man. I'm not the run-of-the-mill kind of man, but who is? Show me a man who can claim to be all man (as in fit every stereotype of what a man is, and none of the stereotype female traits at all), and I'll show you a liar.
Some people wants me to prove I'm a man, that I fit the stereotype, but each man is his own version of how a man is, and what a man looks like.
How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?
What makes a man?
Some would say genitals, but that falls on the fact that some men have micropenises (WARNING, graphic pictures!) and some women have enlarged clitorises (ALSO graphic!), and where do you draw the line between?
Facial hair? Some men don't have it, while some women do.
Chromosomes? No, turns out, it's not that easy either. The statement that men have XY and women XX is no longer true. There are all sorts of varieties.
I don't fit the gender binary. It has happened to me that strangers ask me if I'm a man or a woman. I usually just smile and say I'm a little bit of both. I am, in my own humble opinion, the perfect partner for a straight man. I am a guy to hang out with, drink with, discuss "manly" topics with, but I'm also physically female which is good in some, private, contexts.
I don't like it when others point out to me that I am both, as they're trying to convince me that I'm female too. That makes me less prone to show any "female" personality trait. People that let me be a shapeshifter, often get to see the whole range of gender expressions from me.
I call myself a man. I'm not the run-of-the-mill kind of man, but who is? Show me a man who can claim to be all man (as in fit every stereotype of what a man is, and none of the stereotype female traits at all), and I'll show you a liar.
Some people wants me to prove I'm a man, that I fit the stereotype, but each man is his own version of how a man is, and what a man looks like.
How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?
