New Year.

The new calendar year will hopefully bring more of the good stuff I tasted during 2011.

There's been a lof of shit happening, which is why I haven't been blogging. It's always been my intention to clear it all out, but there's never been a calm enough time to sort my thoughts and feelings out.

Now, I feel a bit calmer, and maybe I'll soon be serene enough to tell my version.

I'm not the bastard rumors have it that I am. I have my reasons for doing what I've done, and it's honestly never been my intention to hurt anyone, no matter how they've hurt me.

I take pride in living honestly. And I will share more, honestly and openly, about how my life has been, what I've been through, to put me in the position where I had to keep some stuff to myself.

But, the gods know me. They know my souls' intent. And I walk this path with their blessing.

Happy new calendar year, y'all!

Who am I, again?

I guess I just don't think as much anymore.
I guess my mind's gone dull on me.

No, I don't even write anymore. I need to be able to take my time, think whilst typing, typing whilst thinking. The presence of someone else disturbs my thoughts, and I need to hurry. Knowing that any second I can get the question "what are you typing so much about?" ... The short answer "blogging", will lead to more questions, such as "about what?" ... And sometimes I just don't know what my fingers will produce until it's done.

Then again, sometimes, very short poetry will happen, right at the screen, to my amazement.

A new day is slowly waking, after a long, hard, night.
What you didn't expect at nightfall, might still happen before another day is born.
As I set my sails, to see where it will take me, I remember the old day, and what I thought was to come.

This, is a time of reflection, a time of time. Only time can tell me what's next, what else lies in the weave for me. And for you. We only live one moment, which, combined with all the other moments that have passed and will come to pass, make up a lifetime.


I've been spun around so many times now, seen patterns being repeated so many times.

Is it wrong to want a private life, whilst being in a relationship?
Or does everybody else report everything to their partners?

I can't believe that was what a real, healthy, relationship was. Me, feeling trapped under jealousy, fighting to keep a shard of independence. Him, thinking I'm always out to hurt him.
Yes, he told me how I feel and think. All that just adds to the notion that I've done the right thing. That we were not The Right Thing.

I'm single now.

And I need to find who I am now, again.

Being smart has never helped me.

From sitting at home doing mostly nothing but reading for several years, I've begun trying to get out and doing stuff. I started volonteering for an organization that helps the homeless in Gothenburg, and I've come to some insights about myself.

I have a kind of social phobia. But I'm not scared of strangers, like sociophobes generally are. And I've just come to the conclusion that it has to do with my childhood.
In the village where I lived, I was bullied in school. Everybody knew who I was. But if I travelled to the world outside, people didn't know I was stupid and ugly and that they were supposed to beat the crap out of me. Strangers didn't know me, and so they could be friendly. It was the people I knew I had to look out for.
I could read and write when I started school and most things were too easy for me. Exept math, but later in life I found out I have dyscalculia.

I'm sure I was the smartest kid in school. I get high scores on all IQ-tests, had a psych evaluation once and was told I have an "exeptionally high intelligence." Yeah, the word "exeptionally" was used.
But that has never helped me.

People I meet when I'm out with the soup kitchen, homeless and volonteers alike, ask what I do, what my job is. I've never had a regular job. In all honesty, I haven't. I have helped people for many years, online and in real life, I've sat with friends who found out their childrens dads are on drugs, helped people with clothes, food ... What did I gain from it? Life experience, that's what.

In a way, I have a richer life. I'm dirt poor, chronically depressed, and never had a job. I'm intelligent, and I have a few friends that I know like me. I have a very good vocabulary in two languages, and so-so in a third, plus the couple of languages I can read and understand most of.

I believe that if you don't know me that well, only talk to me for a while, you might think that I have a high education. I say things, use words, that some, "normal", people don't even understand. But no, I dropped out of school to have a kid.

I think the happiest people are the ones just below normal intelligence. The ones who don't know and don't care about stuff outside of their reach. I envy them sometimes, 'cos being smart has never helped me.

Tooth decay - and the book that cures'em?

Honestly, since I started brushing my teeth every morning (going from heavy depression where my teeth were the least of my concerns) I notice more and more cavities. I smoke less now, I drink less coffee, and what coffee I do drink has less sugar in it. I've even started eating regularly. I joke that my mouth is like a golf course - 18 holes ... but it get less funny for every new cavity I see in there.

So I spotted this book in my facebook feed.

Cure Tooth Decay: Heal and Prevent Cavities with Nutrition, Second Edition
By Ramiel Nagel

I was talking to this hippy a couple of years ago and she was into not brushing her teeth. She'd only do it if something had really gotten stuck between two teeth or something similar. She claimed that the last time she saw a dentist, he was impressed! All she did was using a thing to scrape stuff off of her tounge.

I've been thinking a whole lot about evolution vs creationism lately.
Why did we evolve so badly that there is a whole section of our heads that needs something unnatural being done to them twice in a day?
If god/gods created man, why were we made in that fashion?

A lot of people have washed their hair so often that it's now unmanagable without schampoo and conditioner. Now, I have for several years belived that hair is natural and should be treated so. I wash my hair with schampoo once a week, otherwise I leave it alone. If I've been very sweaty, I rinse it out with water.
Some of my friends are going with no-poo. The most silly word, short for "no schampoo". Google it, if you don't believe me. I'm not down that road yet, but I might get there. They use other stuff for their hair.

I belive in not showering too much. The natural smell of a person is ruined from showering once or twice a day. Skin gets dry and I believe it will make fine wrinkles sooner. Once a week, unless I'm smelling badly. And I don't smell badly so quick.

Now, all of these things I know people believe in, but a diet that can cure your tooth decay? Is the author up for Nobel Prize yet?

Body health issues.

Lately, I've realized that I've gained some weight, and that I've developed acne. I didn't have much acne when I was young, and it feels silly to be almost 30 with pimples. There are some pants I can't wear anymore and I measured my waist just out of curiosity, and it was almost two inches over the limit for being fat. I'm naturally slim, so this belly is really not good.

Something's gotta happen. I need to detox.

I've been online for an hour trying to find something I can do at home, that will not cost me a lot of money. I already drink a lot of herbal tea, but what else do I have to do?


Olive Oil once a week?

”The day when you have thought to detoxify your system, no eating after 4 o clock in the evening (a day prior). Late in the evening at around 10:30 take ¾ cup of a grape fruit juice, mix this to ½ cup of Olive Oil, stir and keep it aside for half an hour. After half an hour drink this mixture and go to bed instantly. Next morning, help yourself by doing a sea-salt water flush and to balance this have a glass full of fiber drink. This is the efficient way to cleanse your body.”

But what is a ”fiber drink”? Is that expensive?


Contrast showers?

”It's a type of detoxing method that will cleanse your body from the outside in. This method requires you to alternate between hot and cold showers.

A combination of hot and cold water in contrast showers is believed to boost your immune system, repair and restore your body into its optimal state. Other than this, this type of shower is also known to reduce muscle strain, reduce lactic acid in your muscles and also revilatize your skin.

The underlying concept of a contrast shower is very simple. Alternating the rotations of heat/cold is extremely effective and the varying of temperature is vital for its impact and results. A few minutes of hot water, followed by a strong blast of around 1 minutes of cold water, then go back to more hot water for around two minutes and then revert back to the wake-up blast of cold water.”

I already do a version of that, showering gradually colder and colder.

24 hour detox?

”A 24 hour detoxification liquid diet is best suited for those that smokes, drink and over eat in most of their meals. It is considered a quick fix to get your system back on track and doing it 3 to 5 times a year will help you get rid of the toxin build up in your body. ”

This one calls for a food processor or mixer, which I don't have and couldn't be bothered using if I did. But it's sounding real good, I fit the ”best suited for” since I smoke. I need to cut back on that, though. I also eat a lot of meat.


Colon Detox? / Herbal colon cleansing?

”Our body is designed in such a way that you can definitely withstand many levels of toxins but when the amount grows with continuous consumption of junk food, the number of toxins will naturally increase. As a result the human body will gradually stop functioning correctly leading to certain health issues like liver dysfunction, premature ageing, and improper bowel movements and so on. Therefore you should find some ways by which you can remove the toxins effectively from the body and this came in the form of colon detox process. ”

The downside is that I found a list of symtoms my body would have whilst detoxing, and since I don't live alone, that choice is not for me.


There are several other ways to detox, but I'm thinking I need to think out a personal plan for me. One of the sites I found stated that filtered coffee is good, so I'm doing that right already!


Fruits and vegetables.... Well, I'm allergic to most of them in raw form and a lot of nutriants disappear when cooked. Will a boiled carrot be as good for me as a raw? I don't think so. So that is a problem for me personally.


I'll be thinking more about this. Something needs to be done.

Cultural differences. Racism.

I've come across lists of "racist" pictures, and I have to admit that I don't always understand it. From what I gather, in America it's just as racist to portray a black person, as it is to not do it.

That a look at this picture:
I'ts from a childs' book about Barney, and in this picture there is a black man on a bus. I don't get it.

This one I do understand.
It's a store celebrating Black History Month, with a display of cotton balls.

We also have this list of more photos.

The list that I originally found was yet another one, showing for example boxes of cereal, where one box had a jumping white child and the other a jumping black child. Since the prices were the same, I don't understand how it was racial. I regret that I didn't bookmark it, as I'm now unable to find back to it.

Sure, we have racism in Sweden, but in a whole different way.
We had this drama in the press a couple of years ago, though, about an icecream. Since "forever" we've had the icecream "Nogger", nougat-flavored, hence the name. The icecream company did a liqorice-flavor, and decided to call it "Nogger Black", and the ads showed the icecream against a background of white chalk on asphalt. Made sense, since it was liqorice and vanilla in it.
But, there was this group of white people called "Centre against racism", who got really upset, claiming that it was stereotypical and portrayed black people negatively.
If you want to read more about it, this is a wikipedia-article in English.
I've been trying to find a picture of the actual ad, but failed.

I'm an asatrúar, as such a wear a Thors Hammer. This hammer is often misused by racists, and I sometimes get strange questions about it. The organization I'm affiliated with is against racism and for religious freedom, but people in general don't know that.
I was on a meeting for a project I might get to participate in. They grow things and it's a lot about nature. I said that since I have a nature-religion it would suit me perfectly, and I got to explain a little bit about my religion. Then came the question.
_ In this project, there are people from... eh, different.... "backgrounds"... And it's important that everybody feels comfortable in the group....
I had to stop the woman speaking, I smiled and told her where we stand, and that I do know there is a lot of prejudice against us who wear this hammer, that racist groups have stolen our symbol and we try to take it back.

What I'm saying is, here in Sweden, stuff's gotta be blatantly obviously portraying black people in a negative manner, while in America all it takes is the mention that people do have different skin color.

Sinuses, oh, my.

Or, "oh, my sinuses".

I got the flu, I think. Feeling to hot, then too cold.
In all this, I think I have sinus congestion. I wanted to translate it into Swedish as "bihåleinflammation", but my partner says it's incorrect, so I'm gathering info right now.

In the US, I bought Tylenol Sinus for my friend who often has sinus problems. I happened to have some left, and took them today. They really helped me, but as there is no equivalent in Sweden, I have the choice between seeing a doctor to get penicillin, or use natural remedies.

It's much cheaper to see a doctor here, it costs me 100 kr (about 12-15 US dollars), but I just don't want to take penicillin as other than a last resort.

There are pressure points on our bodies that can help relieve, or cure, symtoms or illnesses. This article explains well how to do in a case of sinus congestion/cold/flu. I tried it just a little for fun, and I don't know if it really does work or if it's placebo effect, but I felt a little clearer.

This page gave me the advice of Vitamin C, but seeing as I'm allergic to most kinds of raw fruit and vegetables, I'd have to take it as pills, and they are a little expensive.

We had tea, and I figured steam would be good to clear up my stuffiness. I leaned over the mug and inhaled, the best I could, through my nose. It helped a little bit, but then I had also recently taken the Tylenol.

This is a list of remedies, recipies even, that will (according to reviews on the page) cure or help you. The most popular one is the Tomato Tea. Since it's heated I might be able to drink it, despite me being allergic to tomatoes.

I'll get back to having tea and relaxing. I might have another glass of water with apple cider vinegar. Oh, and a type of chewy mints that my partner bought for me. :-)

The right to hate?

There has been a lot of talk about the right to love, and equal marriage rights for gay couples.
But do people have the right to hate? This article made me think. This is a young christian woman who feels that her rights have been violated, because her school wanted her to change her opinions about homosexuality.

Do we have the right to hate a group of people based on religious views?

I could hate the christians. Missionaries came to my country, a thousand years ago, in a mission to convert my people from the old troth to christianity.
But I don't. Crimes have been committed in the name of Jesus and the christian god, but I cannot hate all christians based on that. Some of my friends are christian...

The woman in the article, along with many others, believe that homosexuality is a choice of lifestyle. When do they think that choice was made, and how? Have they themselves chosen to be straight? Have they made a serious choice to only fall in love with someone of the opposite gender?

Christians aren't really a homogenous group that it's possible to have opinions about. There are Catholics, Protestants, Baptists, Latter-day Saints, and I can go on forever with that list.
Are homosexuals a homogenous group?

Words you should be taking.

In (American) English, there are a lot of words that comes from Swedish.

Dollar - in the old days, our currency was Daler, and the word dollar comes from there.
Tungsten - means "heavy stone" in Swedish, but we call it Volfram.
Husband - the old Swedish word "husbonde" (literally "house farmer") was the patriarchal head of the homestead.
Smörgåsbord - literally "sandwich table", a spread of things to eat, not necessarily on bread.
Knife - from the Swedish "kniv".

I could give you a lot more examples, but this was supposed to be about the words you've not taken.

Fika - to socially have coffee with someone. (Verb/noun.) (Fee-kah.)
This word originates in Månsing, a type of sociolect spoken by travelling salesmen. In some dialects, "kaffe" was said as "kaffi", and Månsing turned the syllables around, into "fika".
Wikipedia has an article in English about fika.
New York has a new, small, chain of cafés called Fika, and it seems they're getting good rewiews.
Fika can be had at home or at a café. It can even be in the form of a picknick. If you want to get to know someone, having fika can be less "date-y" than going for a beer.
I suggest to use common English forms with the word. "A fika", "we fikaed", "we've had several fikas"....

Lagom - the subjective concept of a values' optimal degree. (Adjective.) (Lah-gomm.)
Lagom is different for all people. Note the "subjective" above. The uses are endless, though.
If you eat two bowls of ice cream, because one would be too little, and three too much, then two bowls of ice cream is lagom to you. On a spring evening you might tell your kids that they don't have to take a jacket to go out, a sweater is lagom.
Of course, Wikipedia has an article about this, too.

Being cool under pressure.

This memory popped into my head and inspired me to write this entry:

I had just moved. A woman was starting a little collective and me and a girl moved in at the same time. It took a couple of days before we met, having gone and went at different times during our movings... I came home to sleep the first night there, found this girl in the hallway. We awkwardly introduced ourselfs, I went into my room and he went into the kitchen. I read for a while, and then laid down to sleep.
When I had just turned the light off, I heard the fire alarm, and seconds after the girl was screaming for help. I put on a t-shirt and wandered out there, calmly asked "okay, where's the fire?", she, terrified, explained that there was no fire, but she had burned some bread in the oven. I told her, calmly and clearly, to open a window and turn the oven off, while I looked for the alarm to turn that off.
After the alarm was silenced and the kitchen was clear of smoke, she was shaking. So I sat down with her for an hour or so, to calm her with my company, and getting to know her a little.
We lived together for over six months, and everytime a new person came to visit, she would retell the story of my heroism. She never ceased to be amazed by my cool, when I sauntered out there and solved the situation.

I need to be remembering things like that. I need to focus on my good stories, instead of the bad ones. I mean, I'm sure there are good stories, too, in that mind of mine....

I have lost myself, I need to find me back. Right now, I remember that I can be cool under pressure.

Reasons, but no rhymes.

Your ex is your ex for a reason, whatever that may be.
And if you doubt that your current is right for you,
make it an ex for that reason may be reasonable.

I wrote that another place and thought I worded it good.
About exes, I've been talking a lot about my last one. I got lost somewhere and people around me saw me hurt, without me understanding how bad it really was. The few who told me what they saw couldn't make a difference, the change had to come from me.

Warning signals:

  • If your partner tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next day - not Right.
  • If your partner seems to be bothered by your presence - not Right
  • If your partner mocks you when you're weak - not Right

On the other hand
  • If you smile at the sheer thought of your partner - may be Right
  • If you feel that you can say anything to them - may be Right
  • If you're comfortable being a little weak in front of them - may be Right

Don't you wish it was all this easy? I'm not an expert on relationships, but gods I wish I was.
It's all just trial and error, isn't it? My exes weren't right for me, for so many different reasons, and now I'm with a man so totally different from most of them.

People spend a lot of time wasting energy on wanting to get back with their exes. I apply baseball rules - three strikes and you're out, meaning that if we break up thrice there is no fourth time.

My last ex broke up with me twice in anger. The first time we we're on a couch watching TV and I wanted to tell him that I had plans for which he could not come along. He exploded, screamed and cursed. I almost fell to the floor when he hurriedly got off flew off the couch.
When he finally calmed down, he told me that he felt like I had spit him in the face. Where I thought I was calmly telling him that the ceremony I was going to was "members-only" and him not being "member" I couldn't bring him, he heard me saying that he was a moron and I didn't want anything to do with him. The second time I remember less vividly, but it was basically the same. Me saying something, him misunderstanding my meaning, and him exploding, leaving me confused at what happened.
Why did I still take him back? I'm not sure.

Why take your ex back? In general, if people take their exes back, it's usually for wrong reasons.
If your partner has broken up in anger, why take them back when they're calm again?
If you broke up due to personality mismatch, what makes you think the next time around it will be better?

People fascinate me. The human mind is enigmatic. Why do people do the things they do?

IDAHO 2010

Today, May 17th, is the International Day Against HOmophobia.

One of the least noticed, but still important, days. Yes, least noticed, for us living outside the LGBT-community. I used to be in it, in that world of "don't assume anyones gender", "boo-hoo, we are so oppressed", "we have the right to express our personalities in any way we wish". That was my world.

I'm not claiming that I live in the hetero-norm now, but over the years some things has become less important to me. I no longer care about passing as a man at the expense of my own comfort, I no longer panic when a stranger talks to me because I don't know in what range my voice needs to be to fit the gender I assume that they assume that I am. Yeah, stuff got complicated, now they're easier, 'cos I care less.

This day is still important, for all those that still worry, still feel oppressed, still feel they cannot be themselves.
But how do we change the world? Do we do it by arranging activities within the community? Do we do it by having 100 people in town listening to a couple of politicians holding speeches about how bad homophobia is? Do we do it by freaky parades, by dressing freakishly or barely...?

Where are the straight peoples parade? When is the one week per year that they shame themselves in public, by wearing feather boas and leather chaps? When do they express their hidden inner selves, their fetishes? They don't.

It amazes me. Even when I lived in that world, it amazed me. This attitude that "we are just like you, and we should have the same rights as you. We are prouder of being us than you are of being you. We are just as good as you and we show that by expressing ourselves just one week a year, as you express yourselves everyday. Don't this pink boa go great with this wig? And if I stand on these stilts I can wear a longer dress."

I've been in one Pride-parade, in 2007. Mass-psychosis. People challenging other people to be even weirder, dress even stranger, dance even crazier. And people do this, sober, what no straight person would ever do drunk.

When was the last time you saw a hetero-normative person wear a little black dress and boxing gloves? Huge bright blonde wig and beard? They don't.

As I said, this is an important day. This could be the day when "we" show ourselves as normal, when we show that we are humans, just as the straight people. This could be the day to balance the Pride celebrations. This could be the day when we focus on politics and equal rights. This could be the day when we do a serious attempt to crush homophobia. But, we don't.

Seriously, were was I?

Ever since I came back from Atlanta, right before Christmas, I was wanting to be alone. I wanted to see no one, be seen by no one, have no responsabilities, no times to keep. I did some attempts to do things, but rarely made it to agreed-upon place in agreed-upon time. I was constantly procrastinating. Wikipedia says:
"Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision." And, yes, that is exactly what I was doing.
Now, I'm trying to deal with it, get past it and leave it behind. As I've always done.

I made plans to help a friend move. I told her I'd be there on both the Saturday and Sunday. I didn't leave my home at all on the Saturday, due to anxiety. I finally managed to get there, way late, on the Sunday, totally unaware that a new era in my life was about to get its prequel then and there.

A new person, now very dear to me, came into my life that day, and since then I'm realizing more and more that I don't know where I've been. Even when I know where my body's been.

Last year I spent one month in the States. Mostly in Atlanta, Georgia. I was there visiting my (now former) partner. He had stressed how important it was that I'd be there for Thanksgiving with his family, but I think he forgot just how long one month can be, when all your plans takes place during the first week.
It was the loneliest month in my life. And I thought I'd been lonely before.
Atlanta seemed gods-forsaken. I seemed stupid.
The thought "we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto", came into mind more than once. And also:
"He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea." - Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy

I am slowly adapting to a new life.
My life was such a chaos when my former partner came into it, I didn't even see how much more chaos he brought. I was Atlas and he was just another burden. Waking up in the mornings to him cursing because he got angry about something, listening to his complaints, trying to mediate between him and others... Not a problem, I was doing all of that with the others in the apartment anyway. He was here for two months, and about a month later I flew to his country.
When I went over there, I went against my own will.

I had recently moved then. We had got two months notice on eviction and had to find another place. One week before set date I found a place for me, and got stressed half to death with getting all my stuff there and helping the others pack theirs... I just wanted a few more weeks to calm down and settle in. My partner, who was back in Atlanta, kept complaining about it, he said "you have everything the way you had it before (we met), and I'm back in this bullshit". If that makes sense to you, please explain to me!

I didn't like it, but I took it.
Chaos was normal to me. People exploding in rage was normal to me. Being ignored was new, though.

This new life is the total opposite. I can tell my boyfriend about someone from earlier in my life, and add "and he was strange!". I just get a smile back, 'cos almost all the stories I tell are strange to him.

I am afraid. I'm more afraid of "nice guys" than of "bad boys".
From "bad boys" I expect trouble, so they're easier to deal with.
If someone either don't touch you at all, or grab you hard, you know what to expect. If someone never has a nice word for you, you learn to not expect any. If you're not required to speak, well, no, you don't learn to listen, you learn to keep quiet. And when someone can explode over the smallest of things, you learn to tread very carefully and never make that same mistake again. With "nice guys", I just never know.

I went to Atlanta with a broken soul. Came back worse. Now I need to learn so many things anew.

I disappeared from my life for a couple of years there, and it took an opposite of it all to see it.
I have just recently learned that things can be personal. Intimate, even. I have experienced "intimacy" with somebody in a whole'nother way than I'm used to.

I have also recently been reminded of who I used to be. From different sources. I did do things, back then. Even when I was going downhill, before I reached the chasm, I did do things.
I've been said to be a Legend.

Every once in a while, most people need a katharsis. Hiding is not an option anymore.

Life is going on right now.

Someone wrote on a social site that he wishes he can turn his life back 15 years, but keep the knowledge of things that he has now. People want to do that often, they want to get second chances to re-live their lifes.
But honestly, being 25 with the life experience of a 40-yearold aint so great either.

Many years ago, someone told me that I'd been through more in my life than most people experience in a lifetime. I was a 20-yearold with over 40 years of life. And things, both good and bad, has continued to happen to me since. I've always been too old for my age.

People who think like the person I mentioned at the top, are making a common mistake. They've often sat around and waited for life to begin. I once told that person "your life is what's been going on while you've been complaining about not having one".

Twice in my life I've gotten to know men, around 40 years old, that had been single for around 10 years. What had they been doing, apart from playing MMORPG online? Just waiting. Going to work, coming home, playing, sleeping, going to work... Basically. Obviously they did other things too, sometimes, but all their stories were from the '80s. From back when they felt they were really living.

Here I'm not saying that everybody needs to be in a relationship, don't get me wrong on that. But I just cannot understand the "sitting around, year after year, and wait for their lives to begin".

Sometimes I wish that my life would pause, and just let me catch up, let me process things for a while. But of course I can't do that, time does not halt for anyone. Things will keep happening, sometimes so fast that I think I'm gonna go mad if I don't get a break.
I'm used to my life changing fast, I'm used to having to deal with new situations, and that's made me versatile. Other people can freak out when facing a new, stressful, situation, I rarely do. This is how my life is.

Why are people making this mistake? Wasting years, waiting for something to start happening? If all you do is sit at home, if all you're talking to are people from the game you're playing, how do you expect things to start happening? And old Swedish childrens' song tells us (my translation):

"You shan't believe it's gonna be summer, unless someone gets things started".

Oh, I could tell you stories....

I've been reviewing my life a lot lately. I got too used to not having anything to say, to fall short in comparison, and damn, I believed it. But I could tell you stories!

All my talks with Joe the past weeks (my Gods, we're talking about three weeks here!) has brought up so much. So many forgotten things, so many brand new things....

I was thinking about a club I used to go to, and wondered why I stopped going. "Because I got homeless again", I thought, shrugging mentally.
Yeah, you kinda see where this is going, right?

Having been homeless is something I only share with very few people I know. According to Swedish law, you're homeless if you don't know where you'll be living in two months. I say, you're homeless if you don't know where you'll sleep next week.

The past nearly 4 years I've moved around. I moved eight times. Counting from when I had to flee my old town for several reasons, in july (?) 2006, I've moved eight times.
"And then I got kicked out".... I can say that in a casual tone.

How will I adapt to something I'm being told is normal, when it's not normal to me...?
I'm adaptable, I have to be. Everything in my life (with exception of my family) is temporary, by my choice, by faith, by the choices of others. I'm used to things suddenly changing. Packing up and going. But moving is a worldly thing, adjusting to mental changes is worse.

I'm like a Swiss Army knife, where most people just use the big blade. Now this man who only recently came in to my life, wants to see my whole range, and I show him. Not by him forcing, but by my free will.

Some days it feels like my life crumbles around me, why did this Pandoras Box have to be opened? And why am I just letting it happen? Why not turn my back on him and run just the fastest I can? Because not only do I love him, I also feel safe.
Safety is the word, he's never scared me. The first night I spent at his place, I feel asleep fast, and the second night I feel asleep fast, in his arms. I was in a very new-found friends' place, and I slept!? Not only do I feel safe with him, he feels safe with me.

Normal. Shit. If this is what "normal" is, then, seriously, what have I been doing this far? In so many ways, this is the opposite of my normal.

I could tell you stories, but there've been people begging me to stop, to not tell any more. And that was several years ago, life just kept adding stories, that won't be told.

The day, many years from now, that I'm gone, not a single person will have the whole story.

Never too old?

You're never too old to start over.

My life is changing fast. I was in a relationship with a man better off as a friend. I had to break up, which was hard, considering he was planning a future with me in it.
But when you're making plans for your future, and incorporate others in it, it is crucial that you are certain that person wants the same thing. And also, allow them to change their minds. And also, never try forcing them to change their minds.

I am the way I am. I will not let myself be changed by someone elses will. I change on my own.
I have to think hard about the way I am with some people sometimes. If I feel that I have to be something other than what comes naturally to me, maybe I shouldn't be with that person?
If I feel that I need to exaggerate either my feminine sides or my masculine, in order to be admired or respected, I'm doing it wrong. I'm like the tide, I change but there's no changing me.

There's a new person in my life, and he amazes me by not making me struggle for respect. He does not bring up the topic of "what can I call you instead of boyfriend", and I don't think that I will ever find myself in a situation where I scream "I am not your girlfriend, damn it!" at him.
It's amazing. I am so used to fighting for it.

I feel a little lost. If love isn't fighting to get respect, if love isn't being silent because the nervousness is mutening, if love isn't sarcasm, distrust and doubt, then what have I wasted these past years on?

In more ways than I wish to count, it feels like I was sleeping, but now I'm awake. I'm out of the dark.

I've been thinking a little about my mom, and how there's no resoning with her. Literally, she never gave any reasons for anything. Her usual reply to any question was always "because that's the way it is! You should understand that!". (Translation from Swedish a little off, but that's the general idea.)
I've given up on her in a few topics. Transsexualism, for instance. She called me up a couple of months ago, and she asked something, I answered... Can't remember that part verbatim, but I have a clear memory of her surprise that I still "wants to be a man". She'd thought I'd be over that by now. I'm closing in on 30, and I should just get over it. She had even heard on the radio about people who are "weird and wrong" in the same way as me, and they could change, and so should I. My mom is old, and I've given up on trying to change her, because she doesn't want to change.

My new love, had been straight all his life. Granted, he did some serious thinking about whether he could be with a man, but decided he could. And I'm so happy he's not too old to change.

You bother me because you think you do.

A person I talk to a lot sometimes bothers me by calling, no matter what I'm currently doing. I've realized why.
When he calls me he might say things like "are you busy? 'Cos I can talk to you later", or if I'm with a friend he'll quickly say "I will let you go" and want to hang up. So, he is calling me with his mind set in the state of worrying about bothering me, which makes it bothering to me.

When I call someone, which I rarely do, since it's something I have a problem with, I never expect to be disturbing someone. I have my mind set on telling someone something important, or funny, or asking an important question.

Wheter or not you are bothering someone by calling, is about what mindset you give them. If you apologize for calling, and basically make excuses for yourself, they will be bothered by you.
On the other hand, if you make them feel happy that you called, if you make them feel like they can help you with something important, or make them feel happy that they are the ones you want to share something with, you won't be a bother.

People too often apologize for themselves. You can make experiments, if you dare.
"I have an idea... maybe it's stupid, but I was thinking that maybe we could /.../"
will not get the same response as
"Guys! I have an idea! It may be a little crazy, but I think it's good."

My ex-girlfriend was one of the most shut-down, tightly closed, people I've ever known. She was extremely bothering when I first got to know her, but through a lot of autodidact psychology I helped her change. I taught her to act like she want people to see her.

I am a shy person. Which is why I tell people how shy I am. I never do it in a shy manner, though. I say it matter-of-factly, which makes most people disagree, thus perciving me as a not-shy person, thus making me less shy. Because I act the way people percieve me, and I can affect how they percieve me.

If you are currently thinking I'm arguing two opposites, don't worry, I am.

Step one is you deciding how you want to be seen.
Step two is getting yourself in that mindset.
Step three is when people reflect that mindset onto you.
Step four is when you act based on what people have reflected onto you.

Say that I for some reason have to do a speech for a group of people. I have it prepared, written down and I know exactly what I'm going to say.

I walk into the room,staring into the floor, fumbles with getting the door closed behind me, hurry up on the podium shifty-eyed and not really looking at anyone. I am soo nervous, have a slouchy posture. I finally dare to look at the audience, sweat breaks on my forehead, and I start to speak with a unnatural, quiet voice.
How do you think the audience felt about my speech?

Rewind. I walk into the room, do a brief look around, greet the audience, turn to close the door behind me. I walk up to the podium, smile, and make eye-contact with some of the people. I am confident, I know I prepared a good speech and that it will interest people. I have a good posture and a good mood when I take a breath and start to speak naturally.
How did that feel to the audience?

Beware of trying to force a mindset on people. If you feel like you're the most awesome person in the world, but really don't act like it, no one will think that you are.
Imagine a guy at a bar, he thinks he is the coolest, sexiest guy in the world. Now, that doesn't matter, if what he does is pinching girl's butts when they walk past, being sarcastic to the bartender, name-dropping celebrities, and makes you feel like a small person. A really awesome person wouldn't act like that.
The next time someone is trying to look down their nose at you, don't let it get to you. If they feel like they need to act like that to you, it proves that they are not as good as they think, and it might also mean that they feel threatened by you.

I McGyver my way through life.

The title of this entry came to me as I was playing a mindless game. I like to do that, play something really simple and just let my mind wander.

I was thinking about how adaptable I am. A couple of days ago I said to a friend "I'm so used to everything suddenly changing". Things just happen to me, and I've stopped trying to change my destiny, I go with what life throws at me.

In an episode of McGyver, he's going down into a laboratory, people want to give him a kit of stuff to bring with him, but he only brings a pocket of matches and a flashlight, and says "I'll get by with what I find along the way".
That is how I live my life.

A couple of times, I've lost almost everything I owned. This has made me less materialistic than most people. Of course I have some items that I cherish, but most things are not essential to me.

Some people see this as a sad way of life, but I think that I rarely get disappointed. If I don't expect anything good, the surprise is bigger when good happens, and the disappointment smaller when something's going bad.

I don't make plans. I do not attempt to foresee the future and fantasize about "how it's going to be", I know that there is no way to beat what the Norns have in their weave for me.

I am poor. Most of the stuff I have, has been given to me. I am lucky that way. It's very rare that I have a wish about wanting something material (although I would like a bike); if the Gods see it fit for me to have it, sooner or later I will get it. It goes the other way around, too. If you need something that I have, I could give it to you. Me and my best buddy does this a lot, I'm wearing his old jacket, and he's got some of my shirts and pants. That way, he's lucky, too.

I get by with what I find along the way, and if you're a friend of mine, I can help you get by, too.

The silent, angry, type.

This was posted in the commentary field of an aquaintance:

"if you haven't figured out yet why i am mad at you then there is no need for conversation."

Now, what's the gender of the poster?

Why do women do this? They take offence for something we often cannot know they took offence for, and then it's left to us to guess what we've done.
Sometimes, a womans mood and boundaries change over the course of a month. What is okay to joke about one day, might be offensive to her a week later. My ex-girlfriend did this, but I refused to be guessing. If she didn't want to tell me, it was her choice, and I just didn't care. Everytime she would eventually come to her senses and start to talk to me about it, I just waited her out.

There are many types of people. A lot of men can be described as "the strong, silent, type". But have you ever thought about the fact that many women fit the description "the silent, angry, type"?

Where's the respect in monogamy?

I've been thinking about cheating. The phenomenon, that is. The word cheating implies monogamy, it states that there are rules that can be broken. I've been trying hard to understand why people agree to those rules.

One of my favorite series is Big Love, which can be seen online, where Bill lives in three adjacent houses with his wifes. In one of the episodes, two of the wifes discuss a couple they know, who are only married to each other.
"Just, poor Joey and Wanda. They're all they've got. No other spouses to lean on. How are they gonna make it through this chrisis, with only each other?"

I am currently in a long distance relationship. When I have a chrisis, I have no other partner to find solace with, and neither does he. This is a unusual situation to me.

I don't understand why people let someone else dictate their love- or sexlife. I've been trying to understand that for years, but found no good answer. To me it would be absurd if someone far away was to decide that I cannot do certain things.

In Sweden there was a campaign a couple or years ago. It targeted young people, and their slogan was something along the lines of "you're the one who gets to decide about your body". (The point of the campaign being to stop the pressure about having sex.)
I don't think that they had thought about monogamy or poly in that case, but it's a good slogan. I have enough respect for my body to be the one who decides about it. Also, I have too much respect for my partner, to say that he's not allowed to act on affection for someone else.

Some people misunderstand polygamy. Someone asked me "so you want to be free to sleep around?", but that's not the issue. To sleep around is something else. It may be sex addiction, it may be seeking attention, but sleeping around is not poly.

There is a way to cheat in a poly relationship, too. If your partner says "don't sleep with that specific person", and you do it anyway, you have cheated.

I believe some people are created monogamous, while others are not. Some people just can't even consider being with someone else, and never falls in love with more than one person at the time. Others have the ability to love, or feel attracted to, several people.

Imagine a man, who has been married "forever", who for some years have had a mistress. If he loves his wife and his mistress just the same, why would he break up with either one?
There are too many cases where people found out the above-mentioned scenario, and forced the man to choose. That's just sad. How can you choose between two people you love? How do you make that "Sophie's choice" of lovers?

Where's the respect in monogamy? What gives a person the right to decide "you are mine, you will from now on only love me, only sleep with me, and all else would make you a horrible person"? If someone were to utter those precise words to you, in a serious tone, would you stick by that person? It sounds pretty intimidating, doesn't it? Yet, in essence, it is what monogamy is.

I believe that monogamy was invented a couple of thousand years ago, when people stopped roaming around in tribes, and started to settle and farm. I imagine the decition of "one man - one woman" being made to simplify inheriting the settlement. If every man has only one woman, and every woman has only one man, all children are the result of them both.
Now a days, we have pretty fool-proof contraceptives. So, why do people still feel the need of the mono-rule?

To some people, it's only cheating of you do it with someone of the same sex as themselves. Five years ago, I lived poly. An arrangement agreed to by all involved. Before getting involved in that second relationship, I had discussed the matter with both partners, to make sure there would be no misunderstandings.

It is fantastic to be in love when it is mutual. If my partner were to find love with someone else, I'd be happy for him. Where's the respect in denying him that?

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