Seriously, were was I?

Ever since I came back from Atlanta, right before Christmas, I was wanting to be alone. I wanted to see no one, be seen by no one, have no responsabilities, no times to keep. I did some attempts to do things, but rarely made it to agreed-upon place in agreed-upon time. I was constantly procrastinating. Wikipedia says:
"Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision." And, yes, that is exactly what I was doing.
Now, I'm trying to deal with it, get past it and leave it behind. As I've always done.

I made plans to help a friend move. I told her I'd be there on both the Saturday and Sunday. I didn't leave my home at all on the Saturday, due to anxiety. I finally managed to get there, way late, on the Sunday, totally unaware that a new era in my life was about to get its prequel then and there.

A new person, now very dear to me, came into my life that day, and since then I'm realizing more and more that I don't know where I've been. Even when I know where my body's been.

Last year I spent one month in the States. Mostly in Atlanta, Georgia. I was there visiting my (now former) partner. He had stressed how important it was that I'd be there for Thanksgiving with his family, but I think he forgot just how long one month can be, when all your plans takes place during the first week.
It was the loneliest month in my life. And I thought I'd been lonely before.
Atlanta seemed gods-forsaken. I seemed stupid.
The thought "we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto", came into mind more than once. And also:
"He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea." - Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy

I am slowly adapting to a new life.
My life was such a chaos when my former partner came into it, I didn't even see how much more chaos he brought. I was Atlas and he was just another burden. Waking up in the mornings to him cursing because he got angry about something, listening to his complaints, trying to mediate between him and others... Not a problem, I was doing all of that with the others in the apartment anyway. He was here for two months, and about a month later I flew to his country.
When I went over there, I went against my own will.

I had recently moved then. We had got two months notice on eviction and had to find another place. One week before set date I found a place for me, and got stressed half to death with getting all my stuff there and helping the others pack theirs... I just wanted a few more weeks to calm down and settle in. My partner, who was back in Atlanta, kept complaining about it, he said "you have everything the way you had it before (we met), and I'm back in this bullshit". If that makes sense to you, please explain to me!

I didn't like it, but I took it.
Chaos was normal to me. People exploding in rage was normal to me. Being ignored was new, though.

This new life is the total opposite. I can tell my boyfriend about someone from earlier in my life, and add "and he was strange!". I just get a smile back, 'cos almost all the stories I tell are strange to him.

I am afraid. I'm more afraid of "nice guys" than of "bad boys".
From "bad boys" I expect trouble, so they're easier to deal with.
If someone either don't touch you at all, or grab you hard, you know what to expect. If someone never has a nice word for you, you learn to not expect any. If you're not required to speak, well, no, you don't learn to listen, you learn to keep quiet. And when someone can explode over the smallest of things, you learn to tread very carefully and never make that same mistake again. With "nice guys", I just never know.

I went to Atlanta with a broken soul. Came back worse. Now I need to learn so many things anew.

I disappeared from my life for a couple of years there, and it took an opposite of it all to see it.
I have just recently learned that things can be personal. Intimate, even. I have experienced "intimacy" with somebody in a whole'nother way than I'm used to.

I have also recently been reminded of who I used to be. From different sources. I did do things, back then. Even when I was going downhill, before I reached the chasm, I did do things.
I've been said to be a Legend.

Every once in a while, most people need a katharsis. Hiding is not an option anymore.

Postat av: Joe

"If someone touches you lovingly, and never grabs you hard, you know to expect it. If someone regularly has a nice word for you, you learn to accept them. If you're required to speak, well, you speak as you wish, and listen in return. And when someone doesn't sweat the little shit, you learn things can be okay, and if they're not you can talk them through to make them okay."

Just some rewording for dealing with "the nice guy". :)

2010-05-14 @ 00:47:26

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