Oh, I could tell you stories....

I've been reviewing my life a lot lately. I got too used to not having anything to say, to fall short in comparison, and damn, I believed it. But I could tell you stories!

All my talks with Joe the past weeks (my Gods, we're talking about three weeks here!) has brought up so much. So many forgotten things, so many brand new things....

I was thinking about a club I used to go to, and wondered why I stopped going. "Because I got homeless again", I thought, shrugging mentally.
Yeah, you kinda see where this is going, right?

Having been homeless is something I only share with very few people I know. According to Swedish law, you're homeless if you don't know where you'll be living in two months. I say, you're homeless if you don't know where you'll sleep next week.

The past nearly 4 years I've moved around. I moved eight times. Counting from when I had to flee my old town for several reasons, in july (?) 2006, I've moved eight times.
"And then I got kicked out".... I can say that in a casual tone.

How will I adapt to something I'm being told is normal, when it's not normal to me...?
I'm adaptable, I have to be. Everything in my life (with exception of my family) is temporary, by my choice, by faith, by the choices of others. I'm used to things suddenly changing. Packing up and going. But moving is a worldly thing, adjusting to mental changes is worse.

I'm like a Swiss Army knife, where most people just use the big blade. Now this man who only recently came in to my life, wants to see my whole range, and I show him. Not by him forcing, but by my free will.

Some days it feels like my life crumbles around me, why did this Pandoras Box have to be opened? And why am I just letting it happen? Why not turn my back on him and run just the fastest I can? Because not only do I love him, I also feel safe.
Safety is the word, he's never scared me. The first night I spent at his place, I feel asleep fast, and the second night I feel asleep fast, in his arms. I was in a very new-found friends' place, and I slept!? Not only do I feel safe with him, he feels safe with me.

Normal. Shit. If this is what "normal" is, then, seriously, what have I been doing this far? In so many ways, this is the opposite of my normal.

I could tell you stories, but there've been people begging me to stop, to not tell any more. And that was several years ago, life just kept adding stories, that won't be told.

The day, many years from now, that I'm gone, not a single person will have the whole story.

Never too old?

You're never too old to start over.

My life is changing fast. I was in a relationship with a man better off as a friend. I had to break up, which was hard, considering he was planning a future with me in it.
But when you're making plans for your future, and incorporate others in it, it is crucial that you are certain that person wants the same thing. And also, allow them to change their minds. And also, never try forcing them to change their minds.

I am the way I am. I will not let myself be changed by someone elses will. I change on my own.
I have to think hard about the way I am with some people sometimes. If I feel that I have to be something other than what comes naturally to me, maybe I shouldn't be with that person?
If I feel that I need to exaggerate either my feminine sides or my masculine, in order to be admired or respected, I'm doing it wrong. I'm like the tide, I change but there's no changing me.

There's a new person in my life, and he amazes me by not making me struggle for respect. He does not bring up the topic of "what can I call you instead of boyfriend", and I don't think that I will ever find myself in a situation where I scream "I am not your girlfriend, damn it!" at him.
It's amazing. I am so used to fighting for it.

I feel a little lost. If love isn't fighting to get respect, if love isn't being silent because the nervousness is mutening, if love isn't sarcasm, distrust and doubt, then what have I wasted these past years on?

In more ways than I wish to count, it feels like I was sleeping, but now I'm awake. I'm out of the dark.

I've been thinking a little about my mom, and how there's no resoning with her. Literally, she never gave any reasons for anything. Her usual reply to any question was always "because that's the way it is! You should understand that!". (Translation from Swedish a little off, but that's the general idea.)
I've given up on her in a few topics. Transsexualism, for instance. She called me up a couple of months ago, and she asked something, I answered... Can't remember that part verbatim, but I have a clear memory of her surprise that I still "wants to be a man". She'd thought I'd be over that by now. I'm closing in on 30, and I should just get over it. She had even heard on the radio about people who are "weird and wrong" in the same way as me, and they could change, and so should I. My mom is old, and I've given up on trying to change her, because she doesn't want to change.

My new love, had been straight all his life. Granted, he did some serious thinking about whether he could be with a man, but decided he could. And I'm so happy he's not too old to change.

You bother me because you think you do.

A person I talk to a lot sometimes bothers me by calling, no matter what I'm currently doing. I've realized why.
When he calls me he might say things like "are you busy? 'Cos I can talk to you later", or if I'm with a friend he'll quickly say "I will let you go" and want to hang up. So, he is calling me with his mind set in the state of worrying about bothering me, which makes it bothering to me.

When I call someone, which I rarely do, since it's something I have a problem with, I never expect to be disturbing someone. I have my mind set on telling someone something important, or funny, or asking an important question.

Wheter or not you are bothering someone by calling, is about what mindset you give them. If you apologize for calling, and basically make excuses for yourself, they will be bothered by you.
On the other hand, if you make them feel happy that you called, if you make them feel like they can help you with something important, or make them feel happy that they are the ones you want to share something with, you won't be a bother.

People too often apologize for themselves. You can make experiments, if you dare.
"I have an idea... maybe it's stupid, but I was thinking that maybe we could /.../"
will not get the same response as
"Guys! I have an idea! It may be a little crazy, but I think it's good."

My ex-girlfriend was one of the most shut-down, tightly closed, people I've ever known. She was extremely bothering when I first got to know her, but through a lot of autodidact psychology I helped her change. I taught her to act like she want people to see her.

I am a shy person. Which is why I tell people how shy I am. I never do it in a shy manner, though. I say it matter-of-factly, which makes most people disagree, thus perciving me as a not-shy person, thus making me less shy. Because I act the way people percieve me, and I can affect how they percieve me.

If you are currently thinking I'm arguing two opposites, don't worry, I am.

Step one is you deciding how you want to be seen.
Step two is getting yourself in that mindset.
Step three is when people reflect that mindset onto you.
Step four is when you act based on what people have reflected onto you.

Say that I for some reason have to do a speech for a group of people. I have it prepared, written down and I know exactly what I'm going to say.

I walk into the room,staring into the floor, fumbles with getting the door closed behind me, hurry up on the podium shifty-eyed and not really looking at anyone. I am soo nervous, have a slouchy posture. I finally dare to look at the audience, sweat breaks on my forehead, and I start to speak with a unnatural, quiet voice.
How do you think the audience felt about my speech?

Rewind. I walk into the room, do a brief look around, greet the audience, turn to close the door behind me. I walk up to the podium, smile, and make eye-contact with some of the people. I am confident, I know I prepared a good speech and that it will interest people. I have a good posture and a good mood when I take a breath and start to speak naturally.
How did that feel to the audience?

Beware of trying to force a mindset on people. If you feel like you're the most awesome person in the world, but really don't act like it, no one will think that you are.
Imagine a guy at a bar, he thinks he is the coolest, sexiest guy in the world. Now, that doesn't matter, if what he does is pinching girl's butts when they walk past, being sarcastic to the bartender, name-dropping celebrities, and makes you feel like a small person. A really awesome person wouldn't act like that.
The next time someone is trying to look down their nose at you, don't let it get to you. If they feel like they need to act like that to you, it proves that they are not as good as they think, and it might also mean that they feel threatened by you.

I McGyver my way through life.

The title of this entry came to me as I was playing a mindless game. I like to do that, play something really simple and just let my mind wander.

I was thinking about how adaptable I am. A couple of days ago I said to a friend "I'm so used to everything suddenly changing". Things just happen to me, and I've stopped trying to change my destiny, I go with what life throws at me.

In an episode of McGyver, he's going down into a laboratory, people want to give him a kit of stuff to bring with him, but he only brings a pocket of matches and a flashlight, and says "I'll get by with what I find along the way".
That is how I live my life.

A couple of times, I've lost almost everything I owned. This has made me less materialistic than most people. Of course I have some items that I cherish, but most things are not essential to me.

Some people see this as a sad way of life, but I think that I rarely get disappointed. If I don't expect anything good, the surprise is bigger when good happens, and the disappointment smaller when something's going bad.

I don't make plans. I do not attempt to foresee the future and fantasize about "how it's going to be", I know that there is no way to beat what the Norns have in their weave for me.

I am poor. Most of the stuff I have, has been given to me. I am lucky that way. It's very rare that I have a wish about wanting something material (although I would like a bike); if the Gods see it fit for me to have it, sooner or later I will get it. It goes the other way around, too. If you need something that I have, I could give it to you. Me and my best buddy does this a lot, I'm wearing his old jacket, and he's got some of my shirts and pants. That way, he's lucky, too.

I get by with what I find along the way, and if you're a friend of mine, I can help you get by, too.

The silent, angry, type.

This was posted in the commentary field of an aquaintance:

"if you haven't figured out yet why i am mad at you then there is no need for conversation."

Now, what's the gender of the poster?

Why do women do this? They take offence for something we often cannot know they took offence for, and then it's left to us to guess what we've done.
Sometimes, a womans mood and boundaries change over the course of a month. What is okay to joke about one day, might be offensive to her a week later. My ex-girlfriend did this, but I refused to be guessing. If she didn't want to tell me, it was her choice, and I just didn't care. Everytime she would eventually come to her senses and start to talk to me about it, I just waited her out.

There are many types of people. A lot of men can be described as "the strong, silent, type". But have you ever thought about the fact that many women fit the description "the silent, angry, type"?

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